Monday, 19 November 2012

My Life and Thoughts!!

"I wish life could be like a string of a violin that carried music to both ends...

I wish life could have 7 colors of happiness and sorrow... 

I wish every beat of my heart could reflect my emotions ... 

I wish my cold eyes could give my heart's warmth away..."

I may or may not be the first and the correct person to write about "what life really is about?". But I have learnt a few things in 23 years and 6 months. People might just call me crazy for calling my life an "Apple Pie" but in reality it is. It has layers and layers of sweetness and nutty dryness that cannot be defined till the time you take a mouthful bite of it. I even cannot myself define its depth, its path and the way it's taking turns & twists. For every eye in the space around me, I am a human with two legs, hands, ears, eyes and a face. But for me, every other human walking on the earth is a mystery that requires to be deciphered. I try not to observe but I fails every other day as I want to know more about the person. Every finger movement, twitching of the lips, tapping of legs, shifting of gaze and much more never goes unnoticed.

I wish I could just go on observing people and live my life with others in my memory. But this had to change, I got this hunger for being with someone. Observe the movements of that someone special whom I could relate to. I wish I could rewind my life two years from now and just make the toughest decision of my life "No, you are not the one for me". Just one yes made me feel all amazing till the time I realized where all this was heading to. But I don't want to repent now, want to move ahead with that hunger. I am not a dreamer and never anticipate the best for me but I like to wait. This waiting thing might take days, months or years. Still, I will WAIT like a mature (that I am totally not!).

You know the worst phase of life is when YOU don't have someone special and your friends have ONE. It is the situation when you feel like running away from this world and take a SAMADHI in Himalayas. If you want to catch a movie or anything in this world, you literally have to take an appointment.
You: "Hello Blah, Are you free today?"
Blah: "No, I have to go out with Him or Her. Sorry."
You: "Dat's Okay, what about tomorrow or the coming weekend or next week?"
Blah: "Sorry Yaar, Need to spend some time with him or her also. Hope you understand."

That last line pinches you like anything and makes you feel like a loner. There is a solution to it, go out alone. There is one more solution, go out with your love-dovy friends (NO, it looks like you are an outsider in their private world).

Let me start with my life in actual sense, what am I, who am I and how I came to this planet. I was born in the year of 1989 on 6th Feb, when Delhi looked less like a metro city. It was the coldest day of the month and winds were blowing. As all know that I am not normal, how could I have entered the world without creating a mess? Doctors tried hard to get my mother in to labor, but failed with every technique they tried. Finally, doctors planned cesarean, the toughest operation to bring a baby out of the womb. This is how the son of Mr. and Mrs Arora came to this planet. The first person to take me in her hands was my Nani (Maternal Grandmother), she always reminds me that. Being the first grandson of the family, I was treated like a star by my parents, maternal grandparents and my Paternal Uncle. But my Paternal Grandparents just considered me as grandson, no extra importance (till date, No Issues, I love my Grandmother.).

Then started my school life, one miserable experience of my life. Let me share my dad's version first. According to him, if I would have been the deciding authority for my schooling, I would have been sitting at home for sure. I made scenes and cried like a baboon on the gate of the school or just gave up on the interviews by acting sick. I played all my cards to make sure that I am not going to school. But somehow I got admission in ASN, Delhi. Then my dad moved to Mathura to handle the bank branch located there. Even my mother opted for transfer as they both worked for the same bank. I got admission in the finest school of Mathura - Amar Nath Vidya Ashram Senior Secondary Public School, Mathura (I still remember how hard it was for me write this full name on my exam sheets.). Yes, I gave exams when I was in 1st, 2nd and 3rd. Lucky me!! But the school life was great, actually full of friends and weirdest activities. Even the principle's grandson was one of my best buddies. You won't believe but I was top scorer in Sanskrit. Once my teacher thrashed me so badly that my mother literally bashed her in front of the whole school. How can you expect a child in 3rd class to know the basics of SANSKRIT?? My mother bashed many teachers during those three years. I still remember, after school my destination use to be my Mom's branch. Use to play there like a mad with all the grown up 'kids' who use to sometimes pick on me and I played with all those old fashioned rolls used for calculations. Worst question they used to ask "Who loves you the MOST??". On my offs, I used to spend my days with my care taker who loved to play Doctor Doctor with me. I spent there 4 years and left the school to join a well known school in Noida.

The name of the school is good enough to describe my schooling life but this was the name that kept me on my toes. My grandfather got me admitted here as my brothers and sisters were already studying here. For one whole year, ENGLISH was one subject I lagged behind so badly that I could see the terror of me failing in the eyes of my mother. But somehow I passed as I was not bad with other subjects. But years of misery just started. I was not into sports and nor in the co-curricular activities. I was more of a guy who thought that the school was a fortress filled with secrets. I would imagine out-of-the-box stuff hiding under my desk during the games period. The library was one place that fueled my imagination, gave it wings in the form of fictions. No one knew that I was interested in science and wanted to be an astronaut like every other kid. I would secretly issue do-it-yourself experiments manual from the library and conducted secret experiments with everything I could source from home. Made various moving objects by breaking expensive remote controlled gadgets and toys my parents bought for me. I was aware about the second world outside my own little world. This was just the starting of the miserable 6 years of my life.

Friendship is one bond in my life that has taught me more than what my parents preached. It's like Practical exam of what you have ever heard from others. I have few pillars in my life that are holding me strong. Tan, one person whom I can call at 3 in the night and I know my phone will be answered. Raj, taught me the true meaning of friendship and how to hold on to it. KD, very new in my life but this KID is more mature than me. Salute to the way this person handles me and my tantrums, mood swings, serious issues and childish behavior. Shanu (shops like HELL), one good listener and advisor in my life. ANOUSHKA, One girl whom I can never forget, no matter what happens. She was my soul for 4 years and knew me in and out.

You know people might say that love is more than words and here I am supporting that thought. I know I am not allowed to msg you or call you till the time you want me to. I made this rule as I know what you are going through in your head. I have been through that phase what people will think specially friends bothers us more than anything in this world. But every word that you share with me, keeps me attached to the reality. I know if you ever going to read this, you might not contact me for months. But I don't mind that as I know that you exist and I can bank on you in my harsh days. I am not a crazy guy who is ever going to force myself on you but I would always want you to tell me the truth before my air castles start turning into reality. I don't know how to say this but my life has a meaning only if you are there even if as a friend, Forever.


I am sick to the core now. I never cared about the world or people around me but now I feel this world will eat me up. How do I move on?? Where should I go or what should I do to forget everything? It took me so long to get over my ex and move on... then this person came into my life... After so long I felt important.... I moved out of the cocoon of ME and moved to Us... Man, this took me so long but finally I started opening up and started feeling lively. But again "best friend" came in... God how could I have fallen in love with a person for whom I had a bad gut feeling about.... Okay, what should I do? Go to the movies? Going (alone as friends are busy). Talk to people? No way (sick of their problems). Listen to music? Done that, what next? Eat? Putting on weight like hell. Drink? Doing that every day but not helping. Shop? Don't have space now to store so many clothes. Write? Doing that everyday, but that doesn't make me forget anything.
One thing I know very well I cannot move on... As I will not fall for the third time in life, enough of people who just exist for their own good. Either don't make me dream or if you have done that den don't break them. I can only wait now as nothing comes easy for me.

Felt like sharing something from my heart. I always told you that I cannot not be your first choice. If you love him then you cannot be mine. Plus, you are young, you can find anyone in this world. I always wanted things to go slow as I was afraid of this what happened today. No one in the world could have judged the pace of the relation we were planning for ourselves. But I knew that your feelings for him cannot be suppressed. See what happened, I was tagged as rebound and you are awaiting his three magical words.


Will update this post with my jumbled up thoughts.