Thoughts before 'YOU' came to my LIFE!!

In past 1 year, I have tried very hard to understand why things never went according to me. Everyone accepts certain things, but somehow I don't even have that right. People approach me when they have tons of sad memories and bad experiences to share. I patiently listen to every detail they have to spill out. But I don't have any idea how to share my heart with people. It aches and breaks on everyday basis, but I just tend to move on with life. It is like, I have become a tree on the roadside under which people stand for shade or dogs tend to pee or kids love to hang from the branches. 'Oh, he understands everything', 'he is so patient', or he doesn't need any help as he is good at resolving issues for others. Why do people forget that I am human too and not a machine? I know it is my fault as I let people walk all over me and fade away. I should have approached people and shared my feeling for them, but you will not believe me that I have done the same. One can suggest me that I should be more vocal and learn to be content with myself. I am content with my life, career choice, company of great friends, and other things. In so many years, all I could achieve, till now, is to be a great friend and a support for so many people. I should be named as 'Mother Teresa' in this aspect. I fail to understand, where am I going wrong? What I should have done in a manner to have an amazing relationship? My mom told me once, you should be successful to attract people towards you. I am 25 and my career is pacing in a right direction.

It is always I, never we. My soul aches for that support that one can get through companionship. People want to change for others but I never expect anyone to change for me. I know I have thousand defects and I have never hidden anything from anyone. I have a rule- "Never hide anything from anyone". For a successful relationship, you ought to come clean first with yourself and then with the other person. I just cannot move ahead building a wrong impression on someone and letting that person's hope fly high. What is wrong in confessing that you have defects and you have no power to rectify them. Does love has to be so judgmental to accept you as person with defects? I am not a hopper or a person who actually understands a one-night-stand. I am very simple soul who believes that one person is enough for me. I am not boasting but I never required to approach anyone for anything. All I want is stability without compromising on truth or changing myself or the other person. 

Let it be!!

Someone told me once, “Life is tricky, you ought to keep your guards up!!” but this person never told me why I should do that. With passage of time, I completely forgot what he told me and to tell you the truth his face as well. But now I know why he warned me and I know how important it is.

I am not a kind of guy who is self-centred. I am weirdo with a huge heart, which has done nothing except for beating and giving me endless pain. (I am not boasting that I am a very nice human but this what my friends always say for me.)  Life has shown me many colours but I have always been unlucky when it came to red colour. The crimson red colour of love and death as well. I have seen its worse side but never a side where it bathed me in light of sheer bliss.

Why is that?? I never expect more than I can get. I never force myself on anyone. I give it a chance and let it blossom and moreover, I never confess what’s on my mind to the other person to avoid an awkward situation or losing someone amazing or killing the brewing future. Am I doing something wrong?

I am so confused these days that I have been marking mails to wrong departments at work. This time I think I committed a blunder; I confessed my feelings to someone who never cared about them. No idea what got into me and why I did what I never did in my life.

I want to write and express so much but I am not able to. There is so much in my head that I want to share but words are leaving my side. I am falling apart for falling for someone. I need to get back together before I loose myself. Whole day I stare at my phone in a hope but this person is going to ping me and tell me what’s cooking in the head. ‘I am sorry for bringing troubles in your life.” This is what you have to say?? Really? “It bothers me.” Sorry, I don’t think so. I never bothered you in 1^st place and it will never bother you for rest of your life. From past 5 days, I have been sharing my past and present, but what all I get is “I wanna/need to meet you”. For What?? Have fun with/meet anyone you want to or do anything in your life –DRAMA,WORK or MBA, just do not bother me. So good luck as I am slowly going to disappear from your happening life. I am done holding the door for you.

To tell you the truth, your life never changed its pace, if I was there before or not present now.